Getting Past Feelings of Being Wronged By Others
Margaret Schenkman
The seventh principle states ‘If you are feeling wronged by anyone, do not wish for revenge. Instead, think this comes from God and be grateful.’ This principle has two related parts, both of which created challenges to my perception as I grappled with the meaning.
The first part of the principle advises not to wish for revenge when we feel wronged. I used to think that being vengeful means mounting a deliberate and obvious act of hostility in response to something done to me. A child, for example, might put a garden snake in another child’s bed in retaliation, or might resort to fists and kicking. To me, that was what revenge was all about. But over the years, I have come to realize that vengeance can be much for subtle. For example, I had a situation in which I felt someone had wronged me – had not fulfilled a commitment made to our spiritual teacher with the result that this person didn’t provide something that I felt I needed. The details don’t matter; what matters was that here was a very clear case (in my eyes) of being wronged. My reaction was to try to rectify the situation by bringing this situation to attention of someone who I thought might be able to ‘fix the problem’. As I look back on the situation from a vantage point of some years, I recognize that I was actually being ‘vengeful’. I can now see that I had become focused (obsessed) with demonstrating that this person was wrong and should be corrected as opposed to figuring out how to work around the consequences of the situation for myself. Vengeance for sure! I use this example to illustrate how subtle vengeance can be and how easily I was able to kid myself into thinking that my reaction was ‘something more pure and glorious and right’ when in reality, it was only vengeance.
Looking further at the idea of ‘be not revengeful’, I realize that as soon as I focus on the circumstance and make it a mission or ‘goal’ to correct another person, I have violated the third principle. I have become so focused on the situation that I lose sight of my true goal: ‘complete oneness with God’ (Blog 5, ‘Fix Your Goal’). I have taken my eyes off the ‘real prize’.
And looking even deeper into myself, I realize that I have also violated Principle 6 (Blog 8): ‘Know all people as thy brethren and treat them as such.’ When I am vengeful against another, in truth and in the end, I am vengeful against my own self because my brethren and I are one.
The second part of Principle 7 says ‘… think this is from God and be grateful’. This part of the Principle took some time to fully sink into my understanding. In his commentary on this Principle, Babuji noted that anything that comes one’s way is a consequence of one’s own actions. Because of actions in the past (distant or recent), we have accumulated impressions that need to be washed out of our being; the way to wash them out it to allow ourselves to undergo the effects of those actions. Furthermore, they need to leave without our being attached to the effects as they wash away. The Sanskrit word for this process of undergoing the effects of actions is bhogam. What better way to undergo the bhogam than through ‘wrongs committed by others’? Indeed, Babuji commented that “He who ‘wrongs us’ in fact has provided a great service to us.” This concept is very similar to the concept of Principle 5 (Blog 7) ‘Take Miseries as Divine Blessings’.
Going back to the experience related above, at the time I had not entertained the possibility that the entire experience was there because of something in my past that needed to be removed from me. Instead of recognizing the events as a blessing, thereby providing a path for transcending whatever needed to be transcended, I railed against the situation and expended a lot of energy trying to change the other person (something way beyond my purview!). All that I accomplished was to turn the impressions that were already there into an even more solidified mass!
So - How can one rectify difficult situations without revenge? Over the past years of my spiritual journey, I have learned that it goes something like this for me:
1. Begin with a sense of gratitude, for that which comes our way is for our own growth, for the pushing out of the bhogam.
2. Look into myself to see what it is that I must change in me.
3. Forget the other person’s behavior. They alone can change / can rectify that behavior. The more I push, the harder they will push back. In other words, I need to develop the attitude that that the behavior is just an ‘uninvited guest’, ignore it and go on with that which I must do.
4. At the same time, differentiate the behavior from the person. The behavior may be troubling; don’t let the behavior mask the divine in the person.
5. Figure out how to accomplish what needs to be accomplished in a pragmatic way that doesn’t require the other person to change (e.g., when possible, by leaving the other person out of the equation completely).
6. In my thoughts, hold the person in my heart and offer both hearts to the divine, with a prayer the thought that b oth of us will become what we must become.
Now one thing that I have observed is that this only works if I am sincerely ready and willing to let go of my anger about the situation. If the anger is there, I have a feeling that all my so-called prayers for unity go right into the waste receptacle for insincere prayers.
That brings up the question: How does one develop a sincere willingness? A helpful start toward ‘willingness’ is to begin to rid oneself of old impressions that limit one’s ability to perceive situations from a clear-eyed point of view. This is accomplished by meticulous cleaning or clearing of the impressions accumulated during the day with regular meditations with a Heartfulness trainer to remove older impressions that we can’t remove for ourselves. (See Blog 3, ‘Letting Go ‘ for details). For it is only when enough of my own impressions are cleared away that I can see a situation with clarity and impartiality.